Shame is a powerful emotion that can cripple us and leave us feeling isolated and unworthy. Shame can be caused by many of things, from past traumas to cultural pressures. Developing shame resilience is crucial to living a life free from the entanglements of shame and living a life of purpose even through failures.
According to Dan Allender, shame resilience is "the ability to move forward, even though you may have experienced shame, allowing yourself to see the difference between the behavior that caused shame and your identity as a person." In other words, shame resilience is the ability to acknowledge the shame we feel and to move forward with self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Those are two words you don't hear often, compassion and forgiveness.
Developing shame resilience starts by understanding the nature of shame. Shame is not the same as guilt. Guilt is the feeling we get when we have done something wrong. Shame is the feeling we get when we believe we are something wrong. It's a deeply ingrained belief that we are not enough and that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. It's a deep and real feeling that, no matter the amount of time or ease of circumstance, we will always be the wrong thing.
To overcome shame, we must first recognize when shame is present and exercising its influence on our decisions and actions. Shame often shows up as negative self-talk and self-criticism. These are the opposite of compassion and forgiveness. We may feel like we're not good enough, that we don't deserve happiness or success, or, in its most damaging form, that we're unlovable. When we hear these negative thoughts, the most helpful step is to learn to identify them as what they are - shame showing up.
Self-compassion
Once we have identified shame, we must develop self-compassion. Develop is the key word here. It's going to take some work. Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the same kindness, concern, and understanding that we would offer to a good friend. Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our pain and suffering without judgment or self-criticism. Instead, we can trade these negative interpretations for understanding and love. Research has shown that self-compassion can be a powerful tool in overcoming shame. A study conducted by Kristin Neff and Elizabeth Pommier with the University of Texas, found that individuals with higher levels of self-compassion were less likely to experience shame and had greater emotional resilience.
Along with self-compassion, we must learn to cultivate gratitude and positive self-talk. Gratitude is the act of recognizing the blessings in our lives, no matter how small. By cultivating gratitude, we can shift our focus from what we lack to what we have. Our feelings usually follow our focus for better or for worse.
Positive Self-talk
Positive self-talk is another powerful tool in overcoming shame. When we hear negative self-talk, we can learn to replace it with positive self-talk. For example, if we hear the thought "I'm not good enough," we can replace it with "I'm doing the best I can, and that's enough for now." It is a practice of replacing the negative with an honest view of the now. It's practicing living in reality rather than choosing escapism through exaggerated negativity.
Ultimately, developing shame resilience requires a commitment to self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness. When viewed this way, the common denominator is: self. Knowing our story, what's gotten us here, it so very important in the battle against shame. We must learn to recognize when shame is present, and we must be willing to offer ourselves kindness and understanding. By cultivating these qualities, we can overcome shame and live a life free from its entanglements.
Conclusion
Developing shame resilience is crucial to living a fulfilled life. By recognizing when shame is present, cultivating self-compassion, gratitude, and positive self-talk, and committing to self-awareness, we can overcome shame and live in freedom. May we all find the strength to develop shame strategy and live a life defined by purpose not our painful experiences.
Trapped in shame and fighting unwanted, addictive behavior? Check out my guide on the Addiction Cycle. I think you may find it helpful.
